Congratulations to My Husband

Andrew (finally) graduated with his Master's degree in Career and Technical Education on May 9th. It hasn't been easy for him or me... there were many tough weeks and late nights. I will celebrate with him that he doesn't have to procrastinate anymore. Now that he is done with that part, he is taking a sabbatical in the fall and going back to school... for some computer networking courses. Those classes will compliment his Robotics Technology Program, and maybe it will help us at home too.

Failure in Celebration

Noah was confirmed last week. I had two wonderful friends come and help: Jamie and Sarah. Andrew said, "I should probably send them thank yous... if they wouldn't have help I would have probably been in big trouble." I think he is right. I spend the whole week before cleaning up messes and getting rid of the winter's dust that had settled on the doorways, and moldings.

Two women were absent: Laura, Noah's Godmother, who walked out of our lives about 6 six years ago, and that has been a bitter pill to swallow for a while -- no one expects their best friend to just quit caring.. with no reason or closure. Trish, my only sister, was also absent. I was/am disappointed. I can only speculate why she choose not to come, or why she didn't call to explain. She told me she would come; she said that she would be there... I want to talk the high road, but I am too hurt.  Mom says, "water off a ducks back." Always easier said than done.

Truth?

I feel...

Like sometimes success is felt as failure... but why can't it just be a celebration?

Earth Day Conversation

After asking about their day, here is the report from school.

Adam: "We made bird feeders with a pine cone, and some peanut butter, and some string, and then we were supposed to put seeds on it, but I only got three seeds because the other side of the room had a whole bunch and didn't give us any. Josh ate some of the peanut butter and I think he ate some of the seeds too. So I pretty much made the worst bird feeder ever..."

Noah: "For Earth day we used both sides of the paper..."

Chaucer the Cat

 I had to take a picture of ribbon, so I got out the chocolate ribbon since I had to take a picture of chocolate as well. I had been struggling all month with "Something that no longer works." Mmmm. Well, after my ribbon photos I started to wind the ribbon to put it away. Chaucer was annoying as usual, I scolded him a few times... "leave me alone, Uh Chaucer you are so annoying. It doesn't work to do this when you are here." Ah, apparently I needed to be hit over the head with that one. So I went with it and I got some wild shots.

 He looks like he is enjoying this one.

 I probably made his day. It was good to see him play. Afterwars he went all crazy and ran upstairs really fast and then the dogs were in pursuit. He's started to eat the dog food preferring it to his own. I still claim he is trying to starve the dogs to death. Currently he is curled up in a chair enjoying what is left of the late afternoon sun.

I can't imagine how tough life is for a cat... or at least this cat.

Giving, Giving, Gone

I've had a bad week. It is relative. No one has died, no one has become seriously ill. It wasn't just one day or two or three; I am going on bad day number four and since there are only four days so far in the week I can say on a Thursday that I had a bad week. I have that right. 

I'm emotionally slow today. I can feel it.

I have trust issues. Sometimes I can't trust people to do their jobs.

I have control issues. No one can do it better than I can.

I have issues.

My students are having issues too -- There is no more kleenex in my office -- it is gone, and I have to resort to napkins stuck in a drawer -- left over from some lunch a long time ago. That sounds like the beginning of a bad poem...

Like a car running out of gas I can feel myself sputter. And in walking backward I may have finally taken a step forward. The light of it is coming, or is it going... see I don't know.  I think I may need a mental health day... week...month.

Now I am conflicted... some people might read this and get the wrong idea... I'm in need of distraction (yes, I am talking to you and you know who you are), I am in need of someone who will tell me to keep my chin up, that is it only a few more days, someone to push me aside and tell me I don't have to do it -- everything... the everything in life.. to tell me that cat hair on the chair is okay or crumbs on the counter won't hurt anyone -- least of all me.

But even in a good story the tree doesn't know when to stop giving because it loves the boy, and in the end they both end up with nothing. Sometimes giving doesn't fill others -- it just empties you... Wow, that is where all this was going? Yep.

Yes, I am still here

My creative writing students are done with peer reviewing their memoirs. There were a few that were more narrative than memoir, and over spring break I am really hoping they turn into memoir from narrative. My job would have been way easier had they started out that way. So I keep repeating myself SHOW don't TELL. I say: begin in a moment and show us what that feels like. The example that I gave to day brought tears to my eyes, and I was emotional in class. Is it me? Is it them? I promised one that I wouldn't cry when it came to writing and talking about fiction... she said, "sure." Their memoirs have the opporunity to be great, publishable accounts of how moments in their lives left them forever changed. They say they aren't used to doing that, but I am asking them to learn. I admitted that it is a hard thing to learn. I hope they try.

Telling: She haded me a kleenex.

Showing: We are in the community room of the church before the service starts, and the minister has asked us to fold our hands and bow our heads in prayer. I'm standing next to my sister and for some reason I have always felt the need to put on the tough-younger sister act. It is probably because I am "sensitive" and my feeling are easily hurt. I don't want anyone to see me cry. So it is in this moment that I think it is safe to let go and morn the loss of my grandfather. We are supposed to have our hands folded, our heads bowed, and our eyes closed. I think that no one will see me, so I let the warm tears stream down my face and I don't brush them away, but instead I let them fall to my feet. I can't remember if I sniffled or a sob escaped from my shoulders, but I sense movement next to me, so in the middle of the prayer I open my eyes. Through my tears I can see my sister handing me a Kleenex. But the gesture is more than that; in that moment we are understaning our loss. I don't have to look in her eyes to see that our grief is shared. She doesn't have to say, "here take this" and I don't have to say "thank you." We are both falling apart but standing next to each other we are whole.

As children and adults we don't always see our lives the same way -- we believe in different things, and we make the best choices for ourselves. As Trish stays with us this week to work on her practical exams, I remember what it was like to live with her: the jaw popping when she chews... hair in the sink... somethings never change, but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Tag Along

The yellow shirt got him a doughnut in the morning, but then he was bored and had to wait for his job to start. The job was to reset the fields after each robotics match. With a match starting every 2 1/2 minutes he was a busy little boy.

After a while he took a break and found a quit spot to play a game.

He relaxed on the bleachers and drank his water. The consession stand is a place a boy with a dollar or two can't resist, and so a box of popcorn later he was thirsty.

Later in the day he went on a shopping adventure with his cousins. I told them, "Don't forget him" My sister said on their way home she paniced for a minute but then remembered that he was in a different car riding home with Savannah. Sometimes if Adam is busy with his game he is quiet enough to forget. By the time we got home on Saturday night from our VEX robotics adventure we were exhausted.